I had sort of an out of body experience the other day. I was sittin at my desk, reminiscing about my life. About the relationships of years gone bye, about the friends that have come and gone. Do you ever have those moments? I’m sure you do, i think it’s, it’s, it’s just part of being what we PEOPLE do. We wallow in the mire, and we get all pissy about the shit that is someone elses fault and if they would have only ONE TIME, just ONE FUCKING TIME have rolled their fucking ear down they would have heard the birds chirping, and the brook babbling on about some kid who fell in the damn well a fuckin again… and what do I say to that? I say let the little shit drown, c’mon, if he’s gonna fall down that damn well again and again and again, he’s either stupid and needs therapy or is doing it for attention. In either case, I ain’t no fuckin doctor, and I didn’t like the show, so he wasn’t gettin my attention… you feel me? I’d just “blip” and switch that lit up dial that had u through 13 on to channel 9… aaaahhh… I could hear it now… But there are some things about that channel 9 that haunt me to my very soul and I’ve made every attempt in my life to not get caught up in the negative that nature sometimes rolls down our alleys and byways on our freeway to the journey in our lives. I have come to understand that although we have those moments when all seems to be helpless, useless, worthless, and there aint shit on but some “a” material like petticoat junction, that was good for 30 seconds of 12 year old… well you know what I mean… cause after the steely eyed piped piper did his thing, who gave a rats ass what uncle jo had to say, while sittin on his fat ass. So it was pretty much fucked, its just a blip on the synoptic impulses in our brains. Cause the next day, it’s you are the fucking man, you can’t do any wrong. Yes, my finally matured past the petticoat junction, and the irish spring commercials, you my friend are in the twenty first century, PRON! Yes, no mor imaging what was underneath the “men like it yes, but I like it too”… You my baby boomin friend found out that the bank credited your account an extra $200.00 and it’s the weekend and there’s no fucking way they’re gonna catch that mistake until Monday and by that time, who gives a rats ass cause you will gladly except the $35.00 overdraft fee. who wouldn’t?
It’s a fair trade, $200.00 for the weekend.. “sir I will gladly pay you thursday for a cheeseburger today”.. Wimpy knew what the fuck he was talkin about, he was the credit king if you ask me. Shit, that bad boy could talk a burger out of anybody who was flip the meat, and he was smooth, you hear me? I’m feelin him, big assed belly and that derby hat, and not a muther ‘f’ing thing would wrinkle his roll, he was always on a mission, and he was like a ninja, or a silent assassin.
I’d be sittin there watch Popeye, wonderin if he was gonna let blooto stretch Olive oil out again (that ho), when ol’ wimpy would be strollin through, not giving a fuck about how this girl would spread her boney assed legs gettin bent like it’s nobodies business. He had a steely eyed unwavering ability to concentrate on the mission. I’m tellin you the man was not just wimpy burger, he was a hired assassin. They just made you think he was lookin for a burger, but the cheeseburger was a metaphor for “shall I wack that fuckin bluto for you popeye so you can bag the bitch without his annoying ass trying to cock block you?” But popeye being the sailor had been travelin again, smokin that madagascar crack and “aark,aark, aark, kaaa”. He needed to work out some of that tension he was feelin cause that madagascar crack would get him all sucked up, but he’d be real aggressive and he was afraid he’d break Olive oil in half if he just knocked her boney assed boots without burnin some of that tension off first. So he’d always just kick wimpy down a bowl, and let him get his grub on, then he’d do some shrooms, his red neck ship mate would bring him from the fucking cow patty’s from central oregon, and get zoooted as zoom, and go on some half hour tangent about bring this boney assed, thimbled nosed, knocked kneed, harlot some good lovin, knowing damn good and well that bluto had already been bouncin her while he was all spun out on the high seas with his little wooky magic animal.
I think they had an arrangement, all the signs were there, every afternoon the same thing.. C’mon you don’t have to be high on madagascar crack to smell the oil… am i right? And as sure as Olive is a Ho, Popeye would take Bluto by the olive oily rings around his neck and make him feel like he was finally gonna bend him over and make him holla “theo” but as fate would have it, Popeye with all his pent up crack induced aggression would as usual fuck up and unfortunately with one punch knock bluto out of the box.
Now i say unfortunately, cause if popeye wouldn’t smoke so much madagascar crack, he would have taken his time with Bluto and kicked his ass real slow and talked mad shit to him while doing it and that would have been the end of Bluto. But because he’d do it with one punch, guess what happened the very next fuckin day? Shiiit, I don’t need to tell you, you all watched channel 9, that’s right, Bluto would be back and bumpin that scroony beatch, and Popeye would have to go and do it all again…
I used scream at the top of my lungs, I tried everything, why couldn’t popeye have listened to me when I’d holler instructions from his corner. i had his back, I told him to slow his roll, to hurt bluto, to take his time, but damn him… I couldn’t help him, he’d never listen, he was his own man. I eventually lost touch with him, a couple of years later when Lilly munstur jumped up and down on my nerve and bewitches darke haired sister used to pay a visit. But I’d be lookin out for my boy though, I always looked out for him, i was tryin to hook him up with Josie, you know josie and the pussycats, I was tryin to tell him to kick olive to the curb, she was played out, but, I couldn’t find him on channel 9 anymore, I had to catch the yellow bus earlier in the morning, and when i got home, after the bus dropped me off.. well it doesn’t matter anymore.. They’ve got thunder fuckin cats and bots this and yellow rangers that now.. my dog is in the wind now, but hey, if any one hears or sees my dog P.I, yo holla at him and tell him I did my best, I did everything I could do, but he was his own man and life rolls on and I had my responsibilties and life got in the way… I could have saved him, for the ones who came after me, the ones born in 2002, but… oh nevermind… Daaaammmnn him to helllllll!!!!!
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