It’s come down to this, it’s the why’s and wherefores, but the wise are not necessarily wiser, they just are wise to the fact that it is happening, but pretty much are powerless by their own hands to prevent it from choking off whatever is gained from being wise. There are those of us, of you, of them that this (lack of a better term) scam is happening to….. It of course will not be taken seriously by anyone other than those that I am going to lay before you. If they discover that I am blowing the whistle and believe that I possess the ability to be able to create a groundswell of attention may evoke their power to kill, mame, or whatever they choose.
There is no doubt in my mind, that their power runs very deep, and high, high enough that they may do nothing because when was the last time a person lacking any public influence crying the sky is falling, actually sold more umbrellas? So, my theory is if they were to somehow discover my desire to generate interest and investigation is drawing attention they may do what they do….. Do they kill, I wouldn’t doubt it, in fact I know they do and by the time you are done reading this post you will undoubtly be equipped with enough factual information to draw your own conclusions….. Now, with that said, I would first like to voice my appreciation for your indulgence and hope you find at least this particular post informative and distrubing enough to do something about it…. If you don’t then, you should stop reading right now and find a fictional account of something or other…..
This is about lives, thousands, hundreds of thousands and I will even venture millions of lives effected and who knows how many have died because of……
It all starts with the ego, what a presence it commands, fickle yet it is a stranger to most. It says “I am” and “you are”, and “no one will because”. It’s judgmental to a fault, self serving or should that be self preservation? I for one have only in the most recent past five years have discovered life after having been somewhat in a personal exile within my own home as I nursed a terminally ill wife. After her death I like most became part of the mainstream America, but I had discovered a very startling fact…. Most people, no let me say, based on my personal experiences in the last five years the people I have come into contact with are fucked in the head. I emerged with a new vigor, and to illuminate my frame of mind I will elaborate. I felt after a time, that there was nothing greater than losing my wife of 16yrs, there was nothing that could effect me or reach my core (save something dealing with my children of course). Not only did I feel, I knew that i could withstand a nuclear explosion, my mind was clear from the searing pain that blasted my very soul. The pain of her death was an intense white hot poker, slowly entering one ear and traveling at a snails pace to the other. Make no mistake it was slow and when it had done it’s job, there was nothing left of the residual effects, but a cleansing, a blank slate in which to start a new. The pain was internalized now, it was hashed, rehashed, smacked, flipped and rubbed down, it was understood, overstood, and was wrapped up and put under a hood because I got the message loud and clear. There was nothing that could penetrate, but i wasn’t callous, in fact i was relieved, i was sure of myself and my abilities to do, to be….. So i did…..
Did this and that, I went and did, and sometimes didn’t, and it didn’t matter because I could… I could do whatever the fuck I wanted to without trepidation. Prior to my wife passing, she had become very introspective, (as I would hope most people would when faced with the prospect of death), and through her introspection she and I cleansed our lives. We went down memory lane which was littered with wrecked heaps of our tumulteous past. We married with she was eighteen and I was early twenty, both young, dumb and (you know the rest). I was a on the fast track on Wall Street, all was well in the career department, so monkey wrenches flew as if we lived in the open jungle. For the first five years, hate would be the appropriate word to use, we lived together, and we fought like, well.. hmmmm we fought…. There was no middle ground, nothing sacred, infidelities, her family, her friends, her family, my inlaws….. And here we were getting closer to the end of her and my road, cleansing, absolving, loving….. She granted me, “when I die you have to keep going, don’t just sit and get old, find another woman and go out and enjoy yourself…. Don’t end up like my mother, i’m telling you or I will come back and haunt you. Well, don’t enjoy yourself right away, morn me for a minute, but you better get up off your ass and do something to enjoy your life. I love you, and you were here for me, you are a great man shooji, thank you”. She gave me my papers to move the fuck on, when i was ready, with no guilt….. But for some reason, most people that were involved in our lives wanted me to feel guilt, in fact, they’re as gone as she is. They’ve distanced themselves and is it too strong to say “Hi, we’d appreciate if you don’t come to thanksgiving dinner this year”. So, I didn’t.
I found out that the world that I hadn’t seen in a while had grown more callous, it’s become more sickly, people have become more intense in their affermations of sanity. All though I wish to remain a political through out this posting, I can’t help but use an analogy which instantly came to mind, but in order to illuminate the instability of the masses, they elected George Bush for christsake, and the otherside didn’t do anything, no one took one for the team…. And to add insult to injury, he was fucking reelected. I mean no disrespect, but I hope my point is well taken because if it isn’t, i will reiterate the aforementioned…. Stop fucking reading this post and find some fiction….
So here we are, you me and a dog named Boo… Who? Nevermind, but the country is sick , sick, sick….. People are spending four thousand dollars to watch the same shows that they’ve been watching since… Well since… Since they’ve been watching those shows…. Tell me, what the fuck is that all about? Four grand to watch “ha, bad boys, bad boys, whatcha gonna do, whatcha gonna do when they come for you?”. I haven’t watched TV since my wife died, well except for porn, and I’ll let you be the judge, does that count as watching tv? Besides, i read that HiDef and porn are not a pair that should be married, but i digress. But the ills of this world have gone…. a gone.. yes have gone goddamn it… why should i try and find a word after gone, cause gone is the perfect word to end that sentence, so gone it is…..
I began a new relationship with someone, who was a blast from the past and she was unravelled by the time we rekindled our friendship. It was a friendship to me, but to her, I sincerely to this day do not know what it was, and am not sure what it is…. She is an awesome lady, I think, and she professes love and all that, but it’s not the first time, so how secure should I feel. Let’s face it, when you’re hearing I love you, and she’s professing a deep dislike for her supposed ex, but yet she’s still on off on , hiding, lying, I am not…. but not saying nothing, it kind of leaves you going hmmmm…. No? I am no expert on the subject matter, but I will bet my babies toe, this woman wouldn’t know love if it were a bag of letters and they were all addressed to my dearest love…. Sure, she professes a love for me, and I’m sure she to some degree has feelings of gratitude, but come on… No really come on, follow me…. You love me, leave me, invite but deny it, fry it, buy it, and tell me “no, it’s you my love”….. So what happened? Nothing…. But he’s got my address? So tell me, what was it? Nothing… ok, so let’s recap, nothing, nothing, you love me, he’s shit in a bag…. I’m this that…. He’s coming to pick you up, your going there, and you are a great love my love… Yes my dear of course you can tell me anything, you know that I will give you my undivided attention and listen and be understanding…. So let me understand because you are asking me to…… Yes, go ahead… No really, of course you know I’m understanding right? So go ahead, you’ve asked me to be and I am a man of my word, so help me to understand, what you want me to understand…. Huh? I can’t hear you… What’s that? Nothing? So what you’re telling me is nothing or you’re saying you don’t feeling like talking about it now and you’re not going to say nothing right now, which in the correct grammatical sense would be anything right now…. Wait a minute, my phone bill, letters, my address, you there, he there, here…. Nothing? Wait a minute, oh, you’re crazy? I see so once again, if I could evoke the priviledge considering I’m the writer, let’s recap…. You’re crazy, but you love me…. ok interesting twist, but if I may once again use one more priviledge, no skip the priviledge, someone pass me a candle because I want to light this up… Ok, now it’s nice and bright, you see if you are crazy, then first of how do you know your crazy, secondly if you know your crazy then you think crazy thoughts, and i as he are apart of your craziness and therefore how would you know that you love? Stupid question, because obviously if you know you’re crazy why wouldn’t you know you love, huh? Yes thank you very much, I get it, someone please blow out the candle, thank you…. So, with the patience of saint saint who is the saint to the saints on the lower east side, i approach the bench. Your honor, it comes to light insanity is insane or otherwise known as crazy, and I am your sanity, confession is good for the soul…. My soul, so help me get through this so i can get on with myself and my soul… Nothing? To this day, nothing… Thank you… Am i the only one that feels all the love in the room…. Crazy, i think not, someone crazy, wouldbe crazy enough to say hey I’m crazy and blah, blah, blah… Not I’m crazy… nothing…. Nope I think I’ve been….
So on we go, then this then that… More insanity… People.. people…people… I mean what the fuck happened while i was away… My own 70 year old mother one morning, began by knocking on my front door, by the time I made it to the front door and opened it, she had turned as if she were leaving, but instead of her little feet leading her away, she was now standing on one foot, the other leg was cocked and the sole of her shoe was ready to kick and again, the old lady was now kicking the fuck out of my front door…. Not facing it and kicking, but doing the mule kick, getting leverage, kicking…. Why? Because i was taking too long to answer the door…. Excuse me, but usually when no one answers the door, you fucking leave… walk away… fuck it, grab a step and sit the fuck down, walk to my neighbors use their phone to call me, write a letter to your congressman, but commence to mule kicking my door? Let’s face it, she ain’t crazy, she’s ashamed of herself, but until she can do for me what I ask we got issues… Oh, I’m sorry I digress, of course my mother, so as I open the door, she immediately, oh by the way, I was wearing a towel around my waste because, I was naked, I WAS CLIMBING OUT OF THE SHOWER… She had this look of a child that got caught, doing what they knew damn well and good that they shouldn’t have been doing, but she is crazy…. And once again, the envelop please….. Hmmmm….
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